Reset

                Nearly every time I back out of the driveway, I need to pull ahead and start again. I always go out crooked.  It's especially annoying in the winter, when tire tracks swooping into the snow leave evidence.    When I do manage to back straight out in one try, I feel rather triumphant. But on an average day, I need pull ahead and try again. I need the reset.

                My life has needed a reset lately. Or, maybe not my life, but my spirit. My attitude. My thoughts.  This is such a strange time. I'm frustrated, sad, impatient. Angry.

                Not all the time, of course. My life is so good. And when friends and family ask me how I'm doing, I am so genuinely glad to see them that I answer, "Good!" (I know that's improper grammar. It just comes out.)  I love the cozy moments, the days when all the school work goes well, listening to Jessica's wedding plans, and watching Emmeline's movie debut.  I love how especially close Eric and I have become, and I love the way he continues to hope and plan for G.G.'s arrival.

                But sometimes it seemed there was a dullness over everything.  And I couldn't seem to get going on this blog.  How could I write passionately about helping the orphans when I didn't feel any passion?   I couldn't think of anything to say. I didn't want to write.

                I got my reset today.   It started with a devotional posted by another waiting mom… talking about waiting on God.  The scriptures resonated with me. Suddenly, I was reminded to take joy in the waiting, in this life, every part of it.  And words came to me again, and life seemed shinier.  And I wanted to write for the blog.

                I know I will waver again.  I know I will cry to God, and lean on Eric, and mourn for the child we don't have.  But I know God will hear me, and Eric will hold me, and however old she is when we get her., G.G. will be ours.